The Pilgrimage

Pull up a chair, folks, 'cos this is gonna be long.

I was up until ~3am on Thursday talking to Chex (thanks, girl, you kept me sane) and had to be up ~5:30, so didn't get any sleep but it didn't matter. Thursday I was frantic. Panicking. Completely out of my element. Wasn't gonna get on the plane nope not gonna do it you can't make me. AJ kicked me out at the curb at the airport, didn't even take me inside.
I was jumpy and an idiot, and the dog picked up on it. If anyone has doubts that animals sense/respond to human emotion, they would only have needed to see her that morning. She was still good, still did everything she was supposed to do, but I could tell she was panicking in response to MY panic. That only made me feel worse.
I was so panicked that, while being swabbed at security (I have extra yummy screenings, because of the dog and implanted and external metal), I briefly wondered if mentioning a bomb would get me out of it. In jail, sure, but in jail in FLORIDA. Common sense prevailed.
Got to the gate, and the flight was delayed. First by half an hour, then an hour, then longer. Finally, my 8:30 flight took off ~9:50. My pilot must have been on something or there must have been a wicked tailwind, because we landed only ~45 minutes late.
Got over to the rental car place, and they were out of economy. No big deal. But then out of midsize. I don't do compact but I knew I would be doing a lot of driving, so I asked. No compact. My only choice was full size or luxury. Luxury in Detroit, BTW, is a Chevy Impala. I find this humorous. So, I took the Impala, owing to SAB and an AUX input. Bonus! My car had THREE miles on it when I picked it up. It was a brand new baby!
So, I got on the road to Flint. My in laws let me borrow their GPS for the trip and :love:. Wow. It got me everywhere I needed to be, even on fire roads in northern MI where I couldn't even get cell reception.
Well, when I got to the cemetery, I asked for a map (it's huge) and then drove to her area. I knew which one it was immediately, because she is buried between both sets of her grandparents and there were three side by side plots with fresh flowers. I sat in the car looking at it for about five minutes before finally getting up and walking over.
I still don't know about my reaction. I sat there, I laid down for a bit, I attempted to say some things but gave up. I talked to the dog. Took a picture of the headstone and just sat mostly. Then, to prove what a heartless shit I am, as I sat 6 feet above the remains of the woman who birthed and loved me, I wondered why it never occurred to me to check if I had roaming charges and I called T-Mobile to find out. Who does something like that? So I silently berated myself for caring so little.
I hung out for a bit longer, then said my good byes and left.
There's nothing there. I knew there wouldn't be, but now I know. I've been as an adult, on my own terms, and there is nothing. I'm okay with that. I wish there were something, but I can't create feelings. I can't make myself remember or love or grieve.
I left the cemetery and called my aunt Kathy and made plans to meet. We had dinner and I enjoyed her company. We sat around chatting for a few hours at Red Robin (which is advertised heavily in my area but the nearest one is 4+ hours away, so I had to go). Finally I had to make her leave, because I had to still drive 3 hours north and it was already after 8.
Went to Target, bought some pop and dog bones and a bag of cookies, and hit the road upstate.
I was horrified by the state of the roads in MI. I understand that the state is in major economic turmoil, but wow. I have never seen such disrepair on public roads.
I drove and drove and drove and realized that I am *such* a city girl. Shit closes! Close to half the businesses in this area are open until at least midnight, and many of them 24 hours, so being unable to find a gas station that was open was new to me! My uncle Tom is very rural, but found him with the trusty GPS.
Thursday and Friday night I spent with Tom and family. They were the ones I really wanted to see and I enjoyed being with them. Thursday night we were up really late and their daughter's BF was smoking heavily. I was in serious pain by the end of the evening and by morning my throat was on fire. I was going to leave that night, even mentioned it (stupid me), but stayed anyway. Glad I did, really. Friday we went tubing down the river and it was a blast. Just chilling, chatting, enjoying. I loved it. I left them around 11 on Saturday.
Saturday was spent with Randy and Maureen. Technically his name is David, and I'm trying to make myself call him David after years of Randy. We went boating, went to see his property which was pure heaven. I would have pitched camp right then and been happy for the rest of time. Went home for a good dinner and some friends came over and invited us to come to their place for the campfire later, and s'mores! I looove s'mores. I get them once a year on our annual thanksgiving camping trip and I will eat them solid for three days. So we went, great time. Played games, chatted, ate, hung around the fire. There was a teacher there and we talked shop. I haven't done that in a long time! We finally went home when we were falling asleep at the fire.
Sunday morning we had breakfast, and another teacher stopped in on her run and we ended up going on and on and on. Also a big animal lover and we really hit it off. She took Inge on her jog which let me pack up and they both loved it. Then we headed out, and I drove my aunt back to her place.
After dropping off Maureen, I went and had lunch with Nancy. This was the part I was really dreading. The lunch was, I dunno. There is a serial killer in Flint, BTW. The place we had lunch was where he had dumped his victim, only the night before. Had i known this, I would have asked for Taco Bell. But the lunch was nice enough. Strained, for sure. I guess there is just too much muchness between us. I bought lunch, and she said she was willing. I bought it anyway. She can barely keep her lights on, and frankly I felt like I would have a "debt" to her, even if it was only $30. Kathy met us midmeal, and we chatted for a bit, then I was on my way. I've closed the door with Nancy. I can't imagine I'll really want to see her again.
So, I left and was on my way to see monzogary! Heather answered the door and she was much smaller than I expected. But the girls both attacked me within minutes. Her husband was there and he is a really cool guy. He showed me his pet projects and toys and rolled his eyes when we talked car seats. We had dinner and then went to Meijer. I had never been to or heard of Meijer but saw one from the interstate and knew it was something I wanted in my life. :D I loved it! In the craft section, I mentioned I really wanted to know how to crochet or knit. She does both and offered to teach me. I wanted to buy some gear then but knew they wouldn't let me take the metal back on the plane.
So we went home, played around for a bit, put the girls to bed, and started on our project. We had so much fun. She is a really cool gal and it was awesome just chatting and yarning. At 3am her husband came upstairs and looked at us both like we were insane and said we woke him up stomping around. Uhh... we hadn't moved from the table in hours! But we then realized how late it was and that it was time for sleep.
Monday morning I woke up and said goodbye to my hosts and new friends. The girls wanted to keep Ingrid. EVERYONE wanted to keep Ingrid, everywhere I went!
So on my drive back to Detroit, I tried to kind of think on the past few days. Didn't really work. I didn't stop for the frozen strawberry lemonade that I'd seen billboards for every 19 feet because I was late heading out. I ended up having plenty of time, but still didn't want to push it. Construction everywhere, and again those roads. Glad I had the GPS because I was constantly being rerouted.
Dropped off the rental car and headed to the airport. In Detroit I was *really* heavily searched. Way more than Tampa. But it was okay. I was calm this time, so dog was fine. She slept the entire plane ride home.
I'm happy to be home and glad I went. I'm sure I'll continue to process and chew for awhile, but my pilgrimage is complete and I'm at peace. I didn't find what I was looking for, because what I was looking for doesn't exist. That's something I'll live with, and I'm okay with that. I'm a little sad thinking that that was it, the only time I'll ever be at the grave, but it's good. There is nothing there, there never was and never can be. It's just the remainder of a person that once was and won't come again. That's fine.

So, if you made it all the way through that, bravo! I've done something major in my life story, and I am definitely glad that I did it and can move on from whatever weight it had on me in the past.