Bonding

I'm writing this here... because I posted it somewhere where a mother was scared and confused and sad because she hadn't bonded with her baby and she thought something was wrong with her. It's a story I don't share that often, because even now I'm a tad bit ashamed of it. It's different, but I still worry people will judge me for it or think less of me as a parent. But... it was someone else telling me something fairly similar that made me realize that how I felt was okay and, gasp, even NORMAL. So, when I've told other parents this, normally semi-privately, many have expressed gratitude that someone finally validated their feelings and shared something like this.

It might be a hard read. It was a hard experience. I hope my wife doesn't kill me for posting this, I haven't even told her some of it, but she lived it, so she must know. And I hope she can surely attest that it's done a complete 180 and that Sam is my darling.

Here is what I wrote...

Also, my second child was FOUR MONTHS OLD before I actually loved him. I was ambivalent about having a second child, and he was a very VERY difficult baby. I adored my first child with an intensity that borders on addiction, and I couldn't imagine replicating that. Everyone told me I would. So when it didn't happen, I thought that obviously something was wrong with one of us. And since i loved Charlie so much, then it must be Sam that's defective. EVERYONE told me that I would love my children the same, and I didn't.
It wasn't until another mother (of 3) told me that she loved her second child more than the other two, that I started to step back and look at things. I will NEVER love Sam like Charlie because Sam ISN'T Charlie. Charlie was my first, Charlie is much like me, I nursed Charlie (yes, non-bio moms can nurse), but Sam refused to nurse even from his bio-mommy (months of feeding therapy and lactation consultants finally just became pumping... so he got the milk, but rarely the boob), Charlie had a severe illness that put him in the hospital frequently, and I was always the one doing overnights. My bond with Charlie was forged through pain and fear in many way (I spent a lot of the first two years of his life worrying he was about to die). I was also the SAHM when Charlie was born but we switched when Sam was born. So there were strikes against me but I was so convinced, because EVERYONE had told me that once he was born, all my doubts would disappear and I would adore him just as much as the first, that something was horribly wrong. If moms had been HONEST that bonding ISN'T automatic, that sometimes it takes days or months, I would have beat myself up a lot less and would have loved him sooner I think. But our lives, Sam and I, were miserable for quite some time. You could have taken any other child and replaced him and I wouldn't have really cared. I was willing to put the kid up for adoption, I was that detached from him. But I CARED for him. I went through the motions. I fed and changed and rocked and swaddled and sang. But once, shortly before the tipping point, I left him on our bed to scream because it was at that exact moment that I realized why people shake babies, and I knew that I was not capable of caring for him at that moment. I called my sister hysterical, convinced that I hated this child and would never love him. Eventually, I went and picked him up because LOGIC told me that I had to comfort him and calm him, but it wasn't LOVE driving that. Love didn't drive his care from me for months.
Do I sound like a callous bitch? Probably. But when I finally began to talk about this, I realized it's a LOT more common than people realize, because women are so ashamed to admit it, convinced other people will think they're monsters or bad mothers. I wasn't a bad mother to Sam, I was a detached mother. He was always warm and clean and well fed, I cared for him, I just couldn't nurture him.
So, what happened? Well, when I had my epiphany that my children ARE NOT THE SAME PEOPLE and therefore I will never, ever love them exactly the same, it was like a floodgate opened and I realized I DID love Sam, but I was holding it back because since it wasn't what everyone claimed it would be, it was inferior. It was like having two favorite books, loving them both for completely different reasons but not loving one more than the other.
Sam is now 2y3m and I adore him. I love both my children, equally and unequally. I love Charlie more than Sam and Sam more than Charlie. I can't imagine my life without him. He's amazing and perfect and fabulous. It happened, in time. But there is no timeline and for some people it might never happen. That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother.


At the end of the day, love is a verb. Love is an action. If you are providing for your child and meeting her needs and not being cruel to her, you've got more on a lot of parents. It's okay not to bond immediately, it doesn't mean it will never happen. Just because a marriage wasn't " love at first sight" doesn't mean it can't be "till death do us part."

The babies they used to be

DSC09349
Originally uploaded by splashandwally.

Sam was just shy of 2 weeks old here

Is this thing on

Well, is it?

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letter from a five year old

Dear mommy, I love you very much. But in a long long time you are going to die. I'll take care of sam.

I am thankful...

That my mortgage is too high, because I have the means to pay it.
That my job is stressful, because it provides steady pay.
That I have a car payment, because I can afford a car.
That my child has a chronic health condition, because I have access to extraordinary care for him.
That my wife bitches at me for leaving my dishes in the living room, because I know how much she loves me.
That my mother in law constantly nags, because she has the best of intentions.
That I am overweight, because I have an abundance of food at my disposal.
That I hate taking my kid on Tower of Terror, because I have the means to take him to Disney World.
That my father has become a recluse with his partner, because he finally fell in love again.
That I hate the country in which I live, because I am allowed to say that I hate my country.
That I own too many books, because books are not banned.
That my children have too many toys, because we can provide them with all their material wishes.
That sitting causes me pain, because I am not on my feel all day.
That my child never stops talking, because my child can speak, and I can hear him.
That I spend too much time on the internet, because I have people to talk to.
That my cat pukes on the living room rug, because I know the love of a pet.
That I have enemies, because it means I stand up for myself.
That I can never stop thinking, because I have access to knowledge.
That I cannot get married to my partner, because I cannot be stoned for being gay.
That Florida has another republican governor, because we were allowed to vote on our leadership.
That I am in constant pain, because I have options to control it.
That I don't believe in god, because there is no state mandated religion.

I am thankful... that I have problems, challenges, worries, fears... because I don't have an every day fight for survival, or a life dictated by others, or the fear or persecution, or a hunger I cannot fill, or a child I cannot care for, or a family that doesn't care.

Yes, I am thankful for my problems. Because I have such abundance that I can focus on the trivial things in life.

Grow up, bitchy children

Fiscal year 2011 is upon us. Hello FY '11!
Today, we had our monthly department meeting. Seeing as how I am in the finance department, FY '11 is relevant to us, moreso than most departments in the hospital. We collect it, we spend it, all the money in that hospital filters through one of us at some point.

So, department director was going over some changes to our benefits, as well as the overall financial health of the organization. Which is... struggling.

There are only 26 independent children's hospitals in the US, and two in FL. Many "children's hospitals" are actually a children's department of an adult hospital. That doesn't make them better or worse, but it makes them more solvent. Adult hospitals have medicare funding, and medicare is a cash cow. Children's hospitals don't get medicare. What's worse, they get medicaid. Medicaid reimbursement, while fine for inpatient (not great, but not too horrible), is horrible for outpatient. Medicaid reimbursement does not even cover the cost of care.

Our hospital is now 73% medicaid funded. 73%. Which means, on average, we're LOSING money on 73% of patients. The remaining 27% have to carry the hospital. Except, most insurances now have high patient share of costs, much of which we write off to charity. So, the money coming in ain't great, and the money going out is severe, especially since we just built this new billion dollar facility.

So, where am I going with this? The hospital is in the red. For the first time ever. It will get better come January (significantly better, most likely). But, for now, we need to tighten our belts.

So, what does that mean for us, come CY 2011?
They've decided to offer domestic partner benefits to same sex couples and their children. Not required by law.
They've decided to extend coverage to dependent children under the age of 26, not required by law (the hospital is self funded, self funded establishments are exempt from the new federal requirement)
They've decided to cover all preventive care at 100% (versus $20 copay as we previously had)
They've kept the allowance to have our health care done FOR FREE if we stay within our own hospital.
They've kept our deductible at only $350/year (per person OR family)
They've kept our coinsurance at 10% for in OR out of network
They've kept us referral and authorization free
They've added free OB care, including physician fees for the birth

Keep in mind that this is a self funded hospital. They're not writing Humana a $20k check every month for an insurance free for all. They're paying every penny of our health care costs.

They've also-
Kept the 2k/semester tuition reimbursement
Kept our 10 hour/pay period PTO
Kept multiple employee incentive programs
Increased employee recognition and appreciation programs
Kept a FULLY FUNDED pension plan
Continued 100% matching into our 403(b) (like a 401(k) for non-profits)
Kept a significant scholarship funding for employees and their children
Not laid off a single worker
Not cut anyone's hours
Kept a management team that actually gives a shit

So, what have they done to try to close the financial gap?

They've reduced merit increases from 4% to 3%
They've raised our (obscenely low) health insurance premiums by $3/pay period.

That's it.

And the chickens can do nothing but BITCH BITCH BITCH at that 1% and $3.

Really?

I wish I could slap them and show them the benefit plans of "comparable" establishments in this area. This hospital pays on the low side of average, but the benefits are astoundingly fabulous.

And people are going to cry about a 3% raise instead of 4%? When most of the country won't get raises, but will get double digit premium increases and $3k deductibles?

I'm astounded by the greed of people.

The Pilgrimage

Pull up a chair, folks, 'cos this is gonna be long.

I was up until ~3am on Thursday talking to Chex (thanks, girl, you kept me sane) and had to be up ~5:30, so didn't get any sleep but it didn't matter. Thursday I was frantic. Panicking. Completely out of my element. Wasn't gonna get on the plane nope not gonna do it you can't make me. AJ kicked me out at the curb at the airport, didn't even take me inside.
I was jumpy and an idiot, and the dog picked up on it. If anyone has doubts that animals sense/respond to human emotion, they would only have needed to see her that morning. She was still good, still did everything she was supposed to do, but I could tell she was panicking in response to MY panic. That only made me feel worse.
I was so panicked that, while being swabbed at security (I have extra yummy screenings, because of the dog and implanted and external metal), I briefly wondered if mentioning a bomb would get me out of it. In jail, sure, but in jail in FLORIDA. Common sense prevailed.
Got to the gate, and the flight was delayed. First by half an hour, then an hour, then longer. Finally, my 8:30 flight took off ~9:50. My pilot must have been on something or there must have been a wicked tailwind, because we landed only ~45 minutes late.
Got over to the rental car place, and they were out of economy. No big deal. But then out of midsize. I don't do compact but I knew I would be doing a lot of driving, so I asked. No compact. My only choice was full size or luxury. Luxury in Detroit, BTW, is a Chevy Impala. I find this humorous. So, I took the Impala, owing to SAB and an AUX input. Bonus! My car had THREE miles on it when I picked it up. It was a brand new baby!
So, I got on the road to Flint. My in laws let me borrow their GPS for the trip and :love:. Wow. It got me everywhere I needed to be, even on fire roads in northern MI where I couldn't even get cell reception.
Well, when I got to the cemetery, I asked for a map (it's huge) and then drove to her area. I knew which one it was immediately, because she is buried between both sets of her grandparents and there were three side by side plots with fresh flowers. I sat in the car looking at it for about five minutes before finally getting up and walking over.
I still don't know about my reaction. I sat there, I laid down for a bit, I attempted to say some things but gave up. I talked to the dog. Took a picture of the headstone and just sat mostly. Then, to prove what a heartless shit I am, as I sat 6 feet above the remains of the woman who birthed and loved me, I wondered why it never occurred to me to check if I had roaming charges and I called T-Mobile to find out. Who does something like that? So I silently berated myself for caring so little.
I hung out for a bit longer, then said my good byes and left.
There's nothing there. I knew there wouldn't be, but now I know. I've been as an adult, on my own terms, and there is nothing. I'm okay with that. I wish there were something, but I can't create feelings. I can't make myself remember or love or grieve.
I left the cemetery and called my aunt Kathy and made plans to meet. We had dinner and I enjoyed her company. We sat around chatting for a few hours at Red Robin (which is advertised heavily in my area but the nearest one is 4+ hours away, so I had to go). Finally I had to make her leave, because I had to still drive 3 hours north and it was already after 8.
Went to Target, bought some pop and dog bones and a bag of cookies, and hit the road upstate.
I was horrified by the state of the roads in MI. I understand that the state is in major economic turmoil, but wow. I have never seen such disrepair on public roads.
I drove and drove and drove and realized that I am *such* a city girl. Shit closes! Close to half the businesses in this area are open until at least midnight, and many of them 24 hours, so being unable to find a gas station that was open was new to me! My uncle Tom is very rural, but found him with the trusty GPS.
Thursday and Friday night I spent with Tom and family. They were the ones I really wanted to see and I enjoyed being with them. Thursday night we were up really late and their daughter's BF was smoking heavily. I was in serious pain by the end of the evening and by morning my throat was on fire. I was going to leave that night, even mentioned it (stupid me), but stayed anyway. Glad I did, really. Friday we went tubing down the river and it was a blast. Just chilling, chatting, enjoying. I loved it. I left them around 11 on Saturday.
Saturday was spent with Randy and Maureen. Technically his name is David, and I'm trying to make myself call him David after years of Randy. We went boating, went to see his property which was pure heaven. I would have pitched camp right then and been happy for the rest of time. Went home for a good dinner and some friends came over and invited us to come to their place for the campfire later, and s'mores! I looove s'mores. I get them once a year on our annual thanksgiving camping trip and I will eat them solid for three days. So we went, great time. Played games, chatted, ate, hung around the fire. There was a teacher there and we talked shop. I haven't done that in a long time! We finally went home when we were falling asleep at the fire.
Sunday morning we had breakfast, and another teacher stopped in on her run and we ended up going on and on and on. Also a big animal lover and we really hit it off. She took Inge on her jog which let me pack up and they both loved it. Then we headed out, and I drove my aunt back to her place.
After dropping off Maureen, I went and had lunch with Nancy. This was the part I was really dreading. The lunch was, I dunno. There is a serial killer in Flint, BTW. The place we had lunch was where he had dumped his victim, only the night before. Had i known this, I would have asked for Taco Bell. But the lunch was nice enough. Strained, for sure. I guess there is just too much muchness between us. I bought lunch, and she said she was willing. I bought it anyway. She can barely keep her lights on, and frankly I felt like I would have a "debt" to her, even if it was only $30. Kathy met us midmeal, and we chatted for a bit, then I was on my way. I've closed the door with Nancy. I can't imagine I'll really want to see her again.
So, I left and was on my way to see monzogary! Heather answered the door and she was much smaller than I expected. But the girls both attacked me within minutes. Her husband was there and he is a really cool guy. He showed me his pet projects and toys and rolled his eyes when we talked car seats. We had dinner and then went to Meijer. I had never been to or heard of Meijer but saw one from the interstate and knew it was something I wanted in my life. :D I loved it! In the craft section, I mentioned I really wanted to know how to crochet or knit. She does both and offered to teach me. I wanted to buy some gear then but knew they wouldn't let me take the metal back on the plane.
So we went home, played around for a bit, put the girls to bed, and started on our project. We had so much fun. She is a really cool gal and it was awesome just chatting and yarning. At 3am her husband came upstairs and looked at us both like we were insane and said we woke him up stomping around. Uhh... we hadn't moved from the table in hours! But we then realized how late it was and that it was time for sleep.
Monday morning I woke up and said goodbye to my hosts and new friends. The girls wanted to keep Ingrid. EVERYONE wanted to keep Ingrid, everywhere I went!
So on my drive back to Detroit, I tried to kind of think on the past few days. Didn't really work. I didn't stop for the frozen strawberry lemonade that I'd seen billboards for every 19 feet because I was late heading out. I ended up having plenty of time, but still didn't want to push it. Construction everywhere, and again those roads. Glad I had the GPS because I was constantly being rerouted.
Dropped off the rental car and headed to the airport. In Detroit I was *really* heavily searched. Way more than Tampa. But it was okay. I was calm this time, so dog was fine. She slept the entire plane ride home.
I'm happy to be home and glad I went. I'm sure I'll continue to process and chew for awhile, but my pilgrimage is complete and I'm at peace. I didn't find what I was looking for, because what I was looking for doesn't exist. That's something I'll live with, and I'm okay with that. I'm a little sad thinking that that was it, the only time I'll ever be at the grave, but it's good. There is nothing there, there never was and never can be. It's just the remainder of a person that once was and won't come again. That's fine.

So, if you made it all the way through that, bravo! I've done something major in my life story, and I am definitely glad that I did it and can move on from whatever weight it had on me in the past.

My kid is awesome

We've recently had a death in the family, and Charlie has been asking loads of questions about death even before Al died. So we were talking yesterday and I told him about Al, and how his body was broken and he died. And Charlie says "but the secret never dies." I asked him what he meant, and he said we have a body and a secret, and before you die you give part of your secret to everyone that loves you and they keep it for you even after your body dies.

He's so cool.

Uh, disregard

That was supposed to go in an email to a person, not an email to my blog. Please don't bombard the guy with calls because I put him phone number on the web.

You buried my mother WHERE?!?

Last night I was looking for the phone number of the cemetery where my mother is buried. I needed to get their hours before I made my travel plans. I googled "Fint Memorial Park" and chose to click on the below link. Because, well, that's the cemetery, right?

 

Wrongo!

 

http://www.flintmemorialpark.com/